Update to above story!
Monster Drink Mark of Satan Confirmed!
Atlantic City, NJ — Hell CEO Satan Beelzebub sent shockwaves through the marketing and advertising industry today when he abruptly ended his agreement with Monster Energy drink. Although few details were released, sources say that several independent Christian investigators had exposed all of the subtle and subliminal messages contained in the energy drinks packaging. Results of the investigation can be seen here. Although industry insiders were aware of the agreement, the campaign was not intended to be made public to consumers.
Dirk Billings, CMO of Monster issued a statement saying that Monster was shocked by the termination and said Monster had dutifully fulfilled all aspects of their contract and sited statistics that it had converted at least “a couple of hundred” customers to follow Satan. The sources of the statistics were not mentioned, but a spokesman for the company confirmed that any studies on satanic conversion were for internal use only.
Sources say the partnership has been souring for years after several Monster employees were caught on video entering houses of worship during their free time. Another Hell source, speaking under the condition of anonymity, stated that there were “very few” new entrants to Hell who even mentioned the popular energy drink. Most notably, the source stated that under the contract, all Hell inhabitants and employees were required to drink the popular beverage. “It actually made living down here a bit more hellish”, said the source. Stating that “it made it loud and smelly down here because all it did was make people talk incessantly and it also does a number to your digestive tract. You can’t get through half of a can without having to take a shit”
Hell has been silent on any new agreements that it may pursue. Several companies have expressed interest in working with Hell, but stated that hiding the true intentions of the campaign can be extremely challenging. Many experts look to Hell’s long standing agreement with Walmart as the gold standard of secret marketing campaigns. John Stall, who blogs on deceptive marketing techniques for the website Deceptive Marketing, confirmed this marriage made in hell. “Monster tried to emulate the great success Walmart has had with Satan, but got a little too cute with its branding. The Walmart agreement was and still is the most successful agreement in Hell’s marketing strategy.