Tontitown, AR — In an effort to recoup financial loses due the cancellation of “19 Kids and Counting”, Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar have decided to offer walking tours of her ginormous birth canal.
“People just don’t understand how neat it is in there. I’m very fortunate that Michelle lets me spend some time in the canal. It’s a special place that people would not normally be able to experience. I go there often to pray and to spray some Pam where needed.”
The tours will be self-guided audio tours and will include some fun facts, like the speed and acceleration of each of the Duggar children as they shot through the “holiest place in Arkansas.”
Although excited about the new income stream, the Duggars have had to deal with Michelle’s canal being “unavailable” for the almost constant intercourse they are used to having. “We’ve definitely had to cut down a bit.” Says Jim Bob, “but I’m hoping to get in there before the first tour of the day and immediately after the last tour.”
The tours are set to begin in the new year, and tickets can be purchased for $20 in advance or $25 at the, …ah, entrance.
New York, NY – “Fox and Friends”, Fox News morning news show has received a record 5th Emmy nomination for Outstanding Children’s Program. “We here at Fox and Friends are extremely proud of this nomination. Our dedication to making the news understandable to developing and immature minds is something that just comes naturally to us.” said Fox News spokesman June Trapman. “Kids don’t like big fancy schmancy news and neither do we.”
Trapman said the entire staff assembles every morning to discuss the latest news stories. “Usually, at least one person in the room understands a story enough to explain it to everyone else. If no one volunteers to explain it, we usually look it up on the internet. We also have one staff member with a passport. He’s been to Canada and Aruba with his wife and he helps us understand any international news.”
Although this is “Fox and Friends” fifth nomination, they have yet to win the coveted award. However, the news staff is extremely optimistic this year. “We’ve doubled our efforts this year in an attempt to win this category. “ said Trapman. “We’ve even added some animated segments to compete with that ‘sponge’ show.” “SpongeBob SquarePants” has won the award the past 5 years.