Tontitown, AR — In an effort to recoup financial loses due the cancellation of “19 Kids and Counting”, Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar have decided to offer walking tours of her ginormous birth canal.
“People just don’t understand how neat it is in there. I’m very fortunate that Michelle lets me spend some time in the canal. It’s a special place that people would not normally be able to experience. I go there often to pray and to spray some Pam where needed.”
The tours will be self-guided audio tours and will include some fun facts, like the speed and acceleration of each of the Duggar children as they shot through the “holiest place in Arkansas.”
Although excited about the new income stream, the Duggars have had to deal with Michelle’s canal being “unavailable” for the almost constant intercourse they are used to having. “We’ve definitely had to cut down a bit.” Says Jim Bob, “but I’m hoping to get in there before the first tour of the day and immediately after the last tour.”
The tours are set to begin in the new year, and tickets can be purchased for $20 in advance or $25 at the, …ah, entrance.
It’s hard to find many rites of passage for young kids these days. Those moments of learning something new and being old enough to embrace it are some of my greatest memories growing up. However, nowadays, it seems like kids just don’t get those great, life changing moments anymore. Parents seem to be sugar coating all of the great life lessons that we have cherished for generations.
Of course, most kids still get to take that first step, and learn to use the potty, but I’m talking about rites of passage that really make a kid feel like they’ve grown up and are ready to face the world. That’s why I can’t wait to tell my daughter about Hell.
I can already hear what you’re going to say. “Jim, don’t you think they will learn about Hell on their own, or maybe get the information from someone at school?” Sure, I suppose that may happen, but I don’t think kids get the full story that way. I got the full story from my father when I was young and it meant the world to me. Therefore, I want to be the one to tell her that she’s going to burn in a fiery pit and be tortured for all eternity if she doesn’t believe what I tell her to believe. What parent would want to miss an opportunity to bond with your child over something so universally true?
The fact that many parents want to miss or skip this beautiful experience is beyond me. I think parents are missing out on a wonderful opportunity to explain the hellish consequences of learning about your body, or listening to hip-hop music. I remember crying all night after the first time I had the urge to touch myself after I went to bed. Luckily, I already knew the torture awaiting me if I acted on that urge and I thank my Dad to this day for that wonderful moment of pain, suffering, and guilt. Why would I not want to give my child the same learning experiences!
Parents, please don’t be ashamed or embarrassed to tell you children about Hell, it’s reality, and how to avoid it. It’s a wonderful growing up experience that you should have together. I plan on recording the moment on video so that my daughter and I can enjoy it for years to come. I encourage you to do the same thing. Believe me, you’ll thank be for it when you go back and watch it together as a family.
Update to above story!
Monster Drink Mark of Satan Confirmed!
Atlantic City, NJ — Hell CEO Satan Beelzebub sent shockwaves through the marketing and advertising industry today when he abruptly ended his agreement with Monster Energy drink. Although few details were released, sources say that several independent Christian investigators had exposed all of the subtle and subliminal messages contained in the energy drinks packaging. Results of the investigation can be seen here. Although industry insiders were aware of the agreement, the campaign was not intended to be made public to consumers.
Dirk Billings, CMO of Monster issued a statement saying that Monster was shocked by the termination and said Monster had dutifully fulfilled all aspects of their contract and sited statistics that it had converted at least “a couple of hundred” customers to follow Satan. The sources of the statistics were not mentioned, but a spokesman for the company confirmed that any studies on satanic conversion were for internal use only.
Sources say the partnership has been souring for years after several Monster employees were caught on video entering houses of worship during their free time. Another Hell source, speaking under the condition of anonymity, stated that there were “very few” new entrants to Hell who even mentioned the popular energy drink. Most notably, the source stated that under the contract, all Hell inhabitants and employees were required to drink the popular beverage. “It actually made living down here a bit more hellish”, said the source. Stating that “it made it loud and smelly down here because all it did was make people talk incessantly and it also does a number to your digestive tract. You can’t get through half of a can without having to take a shit”
Hell has been silent on any new agreements that it may pursue. Several companies have expressed interest in working with Hell, but stated that hiding the true intentions of the campaign can be extremely challenging. Many experts look to Hell’s long standing agreement with Walmart as the gold standard of secret marketing campaigns. John Stall, who blogs on deceptive marketing techniques for the website Deceptive Marketing, confirmed this marriage made in hell. “Monster tried to emulate the great success Walmart has had with Satan, but got a little too cute with its branding. The Walmart agreement was and still is the most successful agreement in Hell’s marketing strategy.