New York, NY — In an attempt to keep up with the fashion trends of professional athletes, the NFL is holding meetings to discuss adding a separate fashion award for all Super Bowl winners. The current fashion award given to all Super Bowl winners is a large, extremely stylish ring fashioned after the high school class rings that many young men and women purchase while in high school. Although the beauty of the high school rings are undeniable, most high schoolers choose not to wear them again after graduation. This is probably for fear of losing or damaging the ring. A young man could certainly up his game with the ladies by wearing his class ring, but the risk of something happening to it outweighs the benefits. However, this is not the case for professional athletes.
“Although cash awards are nice, what we really want is something pretty to show the world that we were victorious in battle” said Edmond Flackins, a former Linebacker that played for two Super Bowl winning teams. “My teammates and I wear our rings everywhere, but often wish we had some matching accessories to go along with the rings. Some guys want a belt buckle, but the more discerning guys would like a nice brooch.”
NFL brass have been receptive about the idea and have been taking meetings with some of the hottest designers in New York, Paris, and Milan. However, a spokesman for the NFL cautioned fans and players to not get too excited, as no new designs will be considered until the next fall (fashion) season.
Geneva, Switzerland — A new study published in the Journal of Darwinian Studies shows that men willing to escalate other men above themselves will soon remove themselves from the gene pool. Geneticists who conducted the study were not sure why men would idolize other men that they have never met, but stressed that, in the end, it would not matter.
“They will be gone within a few generations” said study author Brandy Manning. “Potential female mates for these men will eventually see that these men are practically begging them to notice smarter, larger, and more successful men.
According to Manning, the subjects are effectively saying to potential mates “I’m kind of a loser, but this guy, this guy who’s name is on my back… he’s fucking awesome! You should probably try to mate with him”
Most of the subjects of the study came from the sporting world where it is very common for men to proclaim their affections for other men by wearing the objects name on their clothing. Their inability to attract a mate not only stemmed from idolizing other strange men, but also the need to discuss ad nauseam their feelings about these men with like-minded men.
“Yes, they tend to pair bond based on the object of their affections. This pair bonding reduced their already limited chance of mating with a viable female.” When pressed for an explanation on this, Manning stated, frankly “heterosexual men who freely advertise other men’s prowess may have difficulty getting laid. Not enough women want to fuck these dudes for their species to survive.”