Local Woman blames computer problems on the last person to help her with computer problems.


“I don’t know exactly what he did, but ever since he was here, my screen has new stuff on it and the button I push for The Google is gone.   I know for a fact that it used to be right there in the corner and now there is something else that was never there before.  I think it’s a virus.  Also, it makes a humming sound now.”

These are the words of frustrated retiree Iris Smolger.  Iris claims that her son-in-law, Joseph, offered to help her with a small problem a few weeks ago and now everything has gone to hell.   “He was only on the machine for a few minutes.  I needed someone to help me find the internet, because my neighbor made it move to different spot when she was trying to look at a video of her Grandson’s circumcision.  “I don’t know much, but I knew where the internet was, and poof…it was gone.”

Barbara, the accused neighbor, could not be reached for comment, but anonymous sources in their Arizona retirement community confirmed that Barbara did not own a computer and was “constantly requesting to read new Facebooks” on other residents’ computers.  “Barbara doesn’t even know about The Google, so it’s hard to come down to her level. She’s kind of a dumbass.” said one 87 year old resident, sympathetically.

Joseph was able to help Iris locate the internet button in a different location 2 inches lower than its previous spot, but Iris noticed it was missing again the next day.  According to Iris, her son-in-law “kept babbling about browsing around and a different internet other than the “e” internet and then left.”  When asked if she’d be willing to ask her son-in-law to help her find the internet again, she stated “I don’t want to make him think less of himself because he doesn’t know what he’s doing.  I mean, even my older friends and neighbors know that there’s only one internet and it’s the lowercase “e” internet.  I wouldn’t want to embarrass him.”

We wanted to understand her struggle, so we asked if she could show us some of the issues she’s having.   She was more than happy to skillfully guide us through her process.  After turning on the computer, she showed us the problem.  “The big blue “e” used to be right here and now there’s this recycle thingy.   After Barbara used my computer, I found the “e” down here, but now, since my daughters’ genius husband made it disappear completely, I might as well throw this damn thing in the ocean. I tried to give it away, but my girlfriends say that the humming sound might be a virus, so I shouldn’t give it to anyone.”

Joseph refused to comment for this story.

Hell breaks long standing marketing partnership with Monster Energy Drink.

Update to above story!

Monster Drink Mark of Satan Confirmed!

Atlantic City, NJ — Hell CEO Satan Beelzebub sent shockwaves through the marketing and advertising industry today when he abruptly ended his agreement with Monster Energy drink.   Although few details were released, sources say that several independent Christian investigators had exposed all of the subtle and subliminal messages contained in the energy drinks packaging.  Results of the investigation can be seen here.  Although industry insiders were aware of the agreement, the campaign was not intended to be made public to consumers.

Dirk Billings, CMO of Monster issued a statement saying that Monster was shocked by the termination and said Monster had dutifully fulfilled all aspects of their contract and sited statistics that it had converted at least “a couple of hundred” customers to follow Satan.  The sources of the statistics were not mentioned, but a spokesman for the company confirmed that any studies on satanic conversion were for internal use only.

Sources say the partnership has been souring for years after several Monster employees were caught on video entering houses of worship during their free time.  Another Hell source, speaking under the condition of anonymity, stated that there were “very few” new entrants to Hell who even mentioned the popular energy drink.   Most notably, the source stated that under the contract, all Hell inhabitants and employees were required to drink the popular beverage.  “It actually made living down here a bit more hellish”, said the source.   Stating that “it made it loud and smelly down here because all it did was make people talk incessantly and it also does a number to your digestive tract.  You can’t get through half of a can without having to take a shit”

Hell has been silent on any new agreements that it may pursue.   Several companies have expressed interest in working with Hell, but stated that hiding the true intentions of the campaign can be extremely challenging.     Many experts look to Hell’s long standing agreement with Walmart as the gold standard of secret marketing campaigns.   John Stall, who blogs on deceptive marketing techniques for the website Deceptive Marketing, confirmed this marriage made in hell.  “Monster tried to emulate the great success Walmart has had with Satan, but got a little too cute with its branding.   The Walmart agreement was and still is the most successful agreement in Hell’s marketing strategy.