Geneva, Switzerland — Scientists have been convening over the last several months in an attempt to create the next big hoax to play on the citizens of the world. After the complete failure of “Global Warning”, scientists say they are determined to invent a better ruse to fool everyone.
“We had no idea that the American public and their politicians were so knowledgeable.” Said Thomas Keefe, President of the World Academy of Scientists. “Historically, only the Catholic Church had the money and power to figure out that most of our so called “theories” were total bullshit. We thought that Global Warming would be hysterical, but underestimated the intelligence of your average American high school dropout from Texas. They saw right through it.”
Keefe says that global scientists are trying to figure out their next big gag. Although there have been some good ideas, nothing has jumped out at them yet. “It’s hard to constantly make up believable fake theories just to mess with people, but we all agree that it’s our duty as scientists”
If you think you haven’t been fooled in the past by some of these theories, think again. Here are just a few examples of other jokes that scientists have played on us in the past.
Darwin was a total wise ass that just wanted to hang out on remote islands by himself. He figured if he pretended he was studying something, no one would bother him. The church has been on to this hoax for years, but it’s still hanging in there.
Haha! Scientists duped everyone with this one and most people still believe the earth and the planets revolve around the sun. Idiots.
- Germ Theory
Yea.. little things called “germs” cause many of our ailments. Tell that to God when he makes you sick for the real reason. .. being a bad person.
It might be easy to say that the Oil and Gas industry had a hand in debunking Global Warming, but not so fast. There is evidence to suggest scientists may have received literally hundreds of dollars in payments from the monolithic Solar Power Industry. The same global powerhouse that has also reportedly paid for scientist’s meals at Olive Garden and the occasional cup of coffee.
New York, NY – “Fox and Friends”, Fox News morning news show has received a record 5th Emmy nomination for Outstanding Children’s Program. “We here at Fox and Friends are extremely proud of this nomination. Our dedication to making the news understandable to developing and immature minds is something that just comes naturally to us.” said Fox News spokesman June Trapman. “Kids don’t like big fancy schmancy news and neither do we.”
Trapman said the entire staff assembles every morning to discuss the latest news stories. “Usually, at least one person in the room understands a story enough to explain it to everyone else. If no one volunteers to explain it, we usually look it up on the internet. We also have one staff member with a passport. He’s been to Canada and Aruba with his wife and he helps us understand any international news.”
Although this is “Fox and Friends” fifth nomination, they have yet to win the coveted award. However, the news staff is extremely optimistic this year. “We’ve doubled our efforts this year in an attempt to win this category. “ said Trapman. “We’ve even added some animated segments to compete with that ‘sponge’ show.” “SpongeBob SquarePants” has won the award the past 5 years.
New York, NY — In an attempt to keep up with the fashion trends of professional athletes, the NFL is holding meetings to discuss adding a separate fashion award for all Super Bowl winners. The current fashion award given to all Super Bowl winners is a large, extremely stylish ring fashioned after the high school class rings that many young men and women purchase while in high school. Although the beauty of the high school rings are undeniable, most high schoolers choose not to wear them again after graduation. This is probably for fear of losing or damaging the ring. A young man could certainly up his game with the ladies by wearing his class ring, but the risk of something happening to it outweighs the benefits. However, this is not the case for professional athletes.
“Although cash awards are nice, what we really want is something pretty to show the world that we were victorious in battle” said Edmond Flackins, a former Linebacker that played for two Super Bowl winning teams. “My teammates and I wear our rings everywhere, but often wish we had some matching accessories to go along with the rings. Some guys want a belt buckle, but the more discerning guys would like a nice brooch.”
NFL brass have been receptive about the idea and have been taking meetings with some of the hottest designers in New York, Paris, and Milan. However, a spokesman for the NFL cautioned fans and players to not get too excited, as no new designs will be considered until the next fall (fashion) season.