Washington — Kid Rock announced his possible transition to public office during a performance at the annual Summer Freedom Slam Rock Festival on Lake Michigan last week. Kid took time in between songs to address his potential retirement from the summer slam rock circuit to pursue a cabinet position in the Trump administration.
“Yea man, we’ve totally spoken about it. We just need to figure out where my talents can best serve the big boss man. We are both each others favorite entertainers, so it’s gonna be fuckin’ wasted cool to work together”
Lewistown, PA — Thousands of Harley-Davison motorcyles riders converged on communities nationwide last Saturday to support a cause. Local residents we spoke to were unsure of the cause or how much support was raised. However, most residents reported being much more aware of very loud obnoxious noise during their normal Saturday routines.
When asked for comment, one rider was unsure of what they were supporting, but was very proud of the fact that he was sacrificing a Saturday afternoon to support a cause by doing something he was going to do anyway.
Tontitown, AR — In an effort to recoup financial loses due the cancellation of “19 Kids and Counting”, Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar have decided to offer walking tours of her ginormous birth canal.
“People just don’t understand how neat it is in there. I’m very fortunate that Michelle lets me spend some time in the canal. It’s a special place that people would not normally be able to experience. I go there often to pray and to spray some Pam where needed.”
The tours will be self-guided audio tours and will include some fun facts, like the speed and acceleration of each of the Duggar children as they shot through the “holiest place in Arkansas.”
Although excited about the new income stream, the Duggars have had to deal with Michelle’s canal being “unavailable” for the almost constant intercourse they are used to having. “We’ve definitely had to cut down a bit.” Says Jim Bob, “but I’m hoping to get in there before the first tour of the day and immediately after the last tour.”
The tours are set to begin in the new year, and tickets can be purchased for $20 in advance or $25 at the, …ah, entrance.
Catalina, CA — After learning about some local woman that were participating in “date nights”, Catalina resident Cynthia Powers was very excited and decided to plan her very own night on the town. Everything was going as planned until she notified her husband of her plans.
“He was very excited and seemed genuinely pleased, Cynthia recounted. I had no idea why until it hit me. He was planning on coming with me on the date! I was devastated. My entire evening. The spa, the meal, the after dinner drink at a hotel bar were all trashed. He actually though I wanted him to come with me. It was so sad I had to bring him along.”
When reached for comment, Cynthia’s husband Wade declared the evening was “the best night ever” and hoped to setup a recurring date night at least once a week. “You can’t buy that kind of quality time”, he added.
After conferring with friends, Cynthia confirmed that they do, in fact, include their husbands on date night, but are considering changing that policy.
happy man drinking beer
Florence, Indiana — Henderson County administrator James Perry remained confident on Sunday that replies to his recent dick pic, sent two days ago to some local females, would begin to fill his inbox. Despite having received zero replies in over 48 hours, James remained upbeat and expected some “very smokin’ hot” replies soon.
“Listen”, proclaimed James. ” My pastor says that if you sow a seed, you shall reap the harvest. And I’m confident that I’ll be harvesting some pussy from these fine ladies any time now.” “I totally trimmed up down there, so these were some classy shots”
When questioned about the recipients of the aforementioned photos. Mr. Perry explained that about “eight lucky ladies” received the pics, but was skeptical about hearing back from one, in particular; his neighbor. “She wants me, but she was angry I kicked her dog, so the picture is my olive branch, per say. I’m kind of hoping she reaches out and ah.. grabs.., or touches my olive branch, if you know what I mean.”
Geneva, Switzerland — Scientists have been convening over the last several months in an attempt to create the next big hoax to play on the citizens of the world. After the complete failure of “Global Warning”, scientists say they are determined to invent a better ruse to fool everyone.
“We had no idea that the American public and their politicians were so knowledgeable.” Said Thomas Keefe, President of the World Academy of Scientists. “Historically, only the Catholic Church had the money and power to figure out that most of our so called “theories” were total bullshit. We thought that Global Warming would be hysterical, but underestimated the intelligence of your average American high school dropout from Texas. They saw right through it.”
Keefe says that global scientists are trying to figure out their next big gag. Although there have been some good ideas, nothing has jumped out at them yet. “It’s hard to constantly make up believable fake theories just to mess with people, but we all agree that it’s our duty as scientists”
If you think you haven’t been fooled in the past by some of these theories, think again. Here are just a few examples of other jokes that scientists have played on us in the past.
Darwin was a total wise ass that just wanted to hang out on remote islands by himself. He figured if he pretended he was studying something, no one would bother him. The church has been on to this hoax for years, but it’s still hanging in there.
Haha! Scientists duped everyone with this one and most people still believe the earth and the planets revolve around the sun. Idiots.
- Germ Theory
Yea.. little things called “germs” cause many of our ailments. Tell that to God when he makes you sick for the real reason. .. being a bad person.
It might be easy to say that the Oil and Gas industry had a hand in debunking Global Warming, but not so fast. There is evidence to suggest scientists may have received literally hundreds of dollars in payments from the monolithic Solar Power Industry. The same global powerhouse that has also reportedly paid for scientist’s meals at Olive Garden and the occasional cup of coffee.
New York, NY – “Fox and Friends”, Fox News morning news show has received a record 5th Emmy nomination for Outstanding Children’s Program. “We here at Fox and Friends are extremely proud of this nomination. Our dedication to making the news understandable to developing and immature minds is something that just comes naturally to us.” said Fox News spokesman June Trapman. “Kids don’t like big fancy schmancy news and neither do we.”
Trapman said the entire staff assembles every morning to discuss the latest news stories. “Usually, at least one person in the room understands a story enough to explain it to everyone else. If no one volunteers to explain it, we usually look it up on the internet. We also have one staff member with a passport. He’s been to Canada and Aruba with his wife and he helps us understand any international news.”
Although this is “Fox and Friends” fifth nomination, they have yet to win the coveted award. However, the news staff is extremely optimistic this year. “We’ve doubled our efforts this year in an attempt to win this category. “ said Trapman. “We’ve even added some animated segments to compete with that ‘sponge’ show.” “SpongeBob SquarePants” has won the award the past 5 years.
New York, NY — In an attempt to keep up with the fashion trends of professional athletes, the NFL is holding meetings to discuss adding a separate fashion award for all Super Bowl winners. The current fashion award given to all Super Bowl winners is a large, extremely stylish ring fashioned after the high school class rings that many young men and women purchase while in high school. Although the beauty of the high school rings are undeniable, most high schoolers choose not to wear them again after graduation. This is probably for fear of losing or damaging the ring. A young man could certainly up his game with the ladies by wearing his class ring, but the risk of something happening to it outweighs the benefits. However, this is not the case for professional athletes.
“Although cash awards are nice, what we really want is something pretty to show the world that we were victorious in battle” said Edmond Flackins, a former Linebacker that played for two Super Bowl winning teams. “My teammates and I wear our rings everywhere, but often wish we had some matching accessories to go along with the rings. Some guys want a belt buckle, but the more discerning guys would like a nice brooch.”
NFL brass have been receptive about the idea and have been taking meetings with some of the hottest designers in New York, Paris, and Milan. However, a spokesman for the NFL cautioned fans and players to not get too excited, as no new designs will be considered until the next fall (fashion) season.
It’s hard to find many rites of passage for young kids these days. Those moments of learning something new and being old enough to embrace it are some of my greatest memories growing up. However, nowadays, it seems like kids just don’t get those great, life changing moments anymore. Parents seem to be sugar coating all of the great life lessons that we have cherished for generations.
Of course, most kids still get to take that first step, and learn to use the potty, but I’m talking about rites of passage that really make a kid feel like they’ve grown up and are ready to face the world. That’s why I can’t wait to tell my daughter about Hell.
I can already hear what you’re going to say. “Jim, don’t you think they will learn about Hell on their own, or maybe get the information from someone at school?” Sure, I suppose that may happen, but I don’t think kids get the full story that way. I got the full story from my father when I was young and it meant the world to me. Therefore, I want to be the one to tell her that she’s going to burn in a fiery pit and be tortured for all eternity if she doesn’t believe what I tell her to believe. What parent would want to miss an opportunity to bond with your child over something so universally true?
The fact that many parents want to miss or skip this beautiful experience is beyond me. I think parents are missing out on a wonderful opportunity to explain the hellish consequences of learning about your body, or listening to hip-hop music. I remember crying all night after the first time I had the urge to touch myself after I went to bed. Luckily, I already knew the torture awaiting me if I acted on that urge and I thank my Dad to this day for that wonderful moment of pain, suffering, and guilt. Why would I not want to give my child the same learning experiences!
Parents, please don’t be ashamed or embarrassed to tell you children about Hell, it’s reality, and how to avoid it. It’s a wonderful growing up experience that you should have together. I plan on recording the moment on video so that my daughter and I can enjoy it for years to come. I encourage you to do the same thing. Believe me, you’ll thank be for it when you go back and watch it together as a family.
Geneva, Switzerland — A new study published in the Journal of Darwinian Studies shows that men willing to escalate other men above themselves will soon remove themselves from the gene pool. Geneticists who conducted the study were not sure why men would idolize other men that they have never met, but stressed that, in the end, it would not matter.
“They will be gone within a few generations” said study author Brandy Manning. “Potential female mates for these men will eventually see that these men are practically begging them to notice smarter, larger, and more successful men.
According to Manning, the subjects are effectively saying to potential mates “I’m kind of a loser, but this guy, this guy who’s name is on my back… he’s fucking awesome! You should probably try to mate with him”
Most of the subjects of the study came from the sporting world where it is very common for men to proclaim their affections for other men by wearing the objects name on their clothing. Their inability to attract a mate not only stemmed from idolizing other strange men, but also the need to discuss ad nauseam their feelings about these men with like-minded men.
“Yes, they tend to pair bond based on the object of their affections. This pair bonding reduced their already limited chance of mating with a viable female.” When pressed for an explanation on this, Manning stated, frankly “heterosexual men who freely advertise other men’s prowess may have difficulty getting laid. Not enough women want to fuck these dudes for their species to survive.”